


Amalgam

by moogah



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Car Accidents, Comfort, Death, Drunken Flirting, Drunken Kissing, F/M, Flirting, Fluff and Angst, Kissing, Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin) Swears, Love, M/M, Men Crying, Mentions of Cancer, Mild Sexual Content, POV Erwin Smith, Past Character Death, Permanent Injury, Resolved Argument Prompt Exchange, Scars, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Acceptance, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Worth Issues, Sexual Tension, Teacher Erwin Smith, Terminal Illnesses, Trauma, Yaoi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-05
Updated: 2020-06-05
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:35:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24553249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moogah/pseuds/moogah
Summary: Within the span of a cold Saturday night, two men, with way too many secrets troubling their minds, find themselves in a situation neither of them would have ever foretold.
Relationships: Levi/Erwin Smith, Nanaba/Mike Zacharias
Comments: 10
Kudos: 65





	Amalgam

**Author's Note:**

> The idea had come to me abruptly, and I wanted to write it down. I'm sorry if it doesn't reach your expectations – I tried;)
> 
> I changed something regarding Erwin's character, for the sake of the plot – I think it's a very minor alternation, but I'm saying this just so you know I'm not uneducated in the SNK matters;)
> 
> You can try to find out what it is that I changed.  
> Also, I apologize for any grammatical errors, I hope to improve my writing by... well. Writing. 
> 
> But enough of me blabbering.  
> Thank you very much for reading.
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> author's note from the future: I just want to warn you that I must have been dealing with some pent up emotions while writing this, because looking back at it, it's very, um... sappy? :)

|

 _**Amalgam** _ _; noun_

_a mixture or blend._

_"A curious amalgam of the traditional and the modern."_

_chemistry ; an alloy of mercury with another metal._

|

**Eastside Sina, 10:32 p.m.**

_"Everyone had to be drunk on something to keep moving on."_

_– Hajime Isayama_

Life was unfair. 

"Another one, sir?"

It was, and Erwin thought he knew better than anyone. Better than some people, for sure. He highly doubted anybody in this half empty room had walked over as many sticks thrown under their feet as he had. Or maybe he was wrong. He probably was, but something about self-pity seemed sort of appealing to him that night. 

Erwin looked up at the bold-headed bartender with a monumental mustache _adorning_ his face, who wore a patient expression as he waited for him to place his order. Erwin smiled, nodding, and held out his glass. "Thank you."

Life wasn't fair at all, but that wasn't why he was drinking by himself. No, he had made his peace with the way he existed, and he had given up on trying to change for the better. He wouldn't be able to do that anyway, since he didn't have what it took to function properly. 

He would have snickered at his own choice of words but found it unnecessary, considering there was nobody who'd ask him what was so funny. Which was ironic, really, since he would have never gone to a bar named _Kenny's_ on a Saturday night, alone. 

It was a fancy appearing place, _Kenny's_. A few tables were placed near the walls and there were exactly twelve stools in front of a bar counter, on one of which Erwin sat right now. There was a small dance floor, where he could see people swaying their hips to the rhythm of music emanating from expensive looking speakers situated in the corners of the room. There was also a black, shiny Yamaha piano not too far away from the counter, but the seat before it was unoccupied, and it had been like so ever since Erwin stepped foot inside the bar. 

He guessed live music wasn't on tonight's schedule. A pity, really.

Erwin sighed, checking the time on his heavy seeming wristwatch. The hour hand was nearing number eleven, and he thought he could feel the subtle vibrations it created as seconds slowly ticked away. 

Goddamn Mike and his darned idea of bringing Erwin along. Just as the latter had expected, the sandy haired guy disappeared on him the very moment his eyes fell on the dance floor, and a beautiful woman with short, blond hair came to greet him. 

Erwin was happy for his best friend's relationship, because Nanaba was a very nice person. But sometimes, he hated the both of them for claiming he had to get out there and finally find somebody to take home with him. He knew they meant well, they always did, but they didn't understand.

Erwin wouldn't have wanted a hook up, anyway. Or would he? Would the closeness of another person, even if it was only for one night, help him with the feelings of suffocating loneliness which enveloped him almost every hour, every minute and every second of every day?

Maybe. And maybe he would feel even worse, because they would disappear right after. Or maybe they'd think he just led them on, the moment they'd come to _know_ about him, cuss him out and leave. 

He sighed for the umpteenth time, and ran his palm over his face. It was warm, which shouldn't have surprised him, since he had always been kind of a lightweight. It was almost funny, considering his height and almost two hundred pounds of muscle weight. 

For a short moment he wondered, whether his alcohol tolerance would have been higher, had he had the chance to drink more in the past. He chuckled. Being an easy drunk was advantageous to his wallet, since he didn't have to spend a fortune when he wanted to get shit-faced. 

He was so immersed in his thoughts that he hadn't noticed the quieting electronic music, and the transient moment of utter silence which had overcome the place. He snapped out of his little bubble exactly when the bar filled up with the sounds of a musical instrument.

The soft melody brought tears to Erwin's eyes for no particular reason, and he blinked to clear his vision. Glancing up form his glass of alcohol – which seemed to be the cause of his sensitive state of mind – his gaze fell on the previously unoccupied seat in front of the piano. 

There sat a man, his shoulders hunched a little as he ran his fingers over the keys. Dark, ebony hair fell onto his forehead and over his eyes, contrasting with the startlingly pale skin he possessed. Dressed in a white shirt, black dress pants and a suit jacket of the same color, he didn't look like somebody to visit a bar – no matter how fancy – on a weekend night. 

No, to Erwin he appeared as that kind of person who'd come home after a busy, yet successful day at work, greet his family and fall into the soft cushions on his bed with a contented smile upon his features.

But the man wasn't smiling. He wasn't frowning either – the blank expression he wore such a contradiction to the emotional melody he played. 

Despite Erwin's earlier desire to leave _Kenny's_ and never come back, he found himself lingering, and ordering yet another drink so he could listen to the live performer carry on with his act. The liquid tasted bitter on his tongue, but it wasn't unpleasant. Erwin could enjoy a good whiskey.

All too soon, the calm melody ceased, and a slow, jazzy, electronic beat had filled the place once more. The contented feelings in Erwin's chest disappeared, and he quietly sighed to himself. He was really getting old, wasn't he? Preferring live music over digital songs, drinking whiskey alone, dressed in a cotton sweater and a grey suit jacket, contemplating life. 

God, Mike was right. 

"Hey, four-eyes." The gruff voice came from his right, and Erwin's breath hitched when his gaze fell on the live performer's surprisingly short figure. The man seated himself on a vacant stool next to him, and rested his elbows on the counter. Up close, his sharp features appeared even more intriguing than from afar. 

A bartender – a different one, not the guy who had already sold Erwin a fair share of alcohol – danced to their end of the bar counter. It was a woman, a little freaky looking, with large glasses sitting on her nose. The name tag on her chest stated her name was Hanji. Her hair swept in a ponytail, she wore a toothy smile as she noticed the ravenette, who had – apparently – called for her. 

"Hi, short-stuff!" she exclaimed, banging her palms onto the counter. Erwin would have flinched if his senses weren't a bit numbed by alcohol. He could still _feel_ the glare the man next to him sent the woman's way. _He really was short,_ Erwin smiled to himself.

"Feeling daring, tonight?" the pianist asked, his voice low – a warning. 

The woman beamed again, unfazed. "Maybe. Are you?" she teased with mischief glimmering in her wide, brown orbs. She made Erwin a little uncomfortable. "I have this _amazing_ cocktail of my own invention you absolutely need to try–"

He heard a resigned sigh. "Mix me whatever," the ravenette grumbled, cutting her off. "It's not like today can get any worse."

Erwin smiled, picking up his glass. "Friends ditched you to go do couple stuff with each other?" he found himself asking, a little surprised at the sound of his own voice. 

The ravenette fixed his grey, piercing gaze on him, and Erwin placed a kind expression on his face to mask his uneasiness. His heart was beating loudly against his rib cartilage, and he tightened the grip on his glass. What exactly made him join the conversation? He shouldn't have interfered in strangers's debates. Maybe he was just a little too drunk.

"No," the pianist answered calmly, as he studied Erwin's face. "Is that why you're here?"

The blond puffed out a breath and chuckled. "It wasn't really the primal intention," he said. "But yes, I guess so."

The ravenette raised a brow. "Then what were you supposed to be doing?"

"Ideally?" Erwin shook his head and fixed his gaze onto the half-empty glass in his palm. "Quit being an old wimp and find somebody to be lovey-dovey with. Or so my friends say."

The ravenette let out a sound which could have very well been a sympathetic whine– or a regular snort. "Does that mean I look like that _somebody_ to you?" he asked, his tone neither hostile nor inviting. 

The left corner of Erwin's mouth twitched upwards as he subtly looked over the pianists figure. "Maybe," he admitted, heart skipping a beat at his own words. He felt as if he had no control over his tongue. 

Yes, the man sure was attractive. And more – he looked interesting, unordinary. He spiked Erwin's interest for no particular reason, and he worried it was not going to end well. But oh, the _Tullamore Dew_ sitting in his stomach – and probably causing him future liver problems – was working magic, and he found himself yielding to the temptation of interacting with somebody sexually appealing to him. 

Maybe he could brush up his flirting skills too, for Mike's inner peace, and just risk everything tonight. 

He wasn't getting any younger, after all. 

The pianist scoffed at Erwin's answer, grimacing. "I must warn you then. I'm not a lovey-dovey type of guy. Your friends will be disappointed."

Before Erwin could reply that his friends were not there to judge, the pianist's forefinger flicked a small glass of something alcoholic and... colorful. He glanced up at the female bartender, who had placed it in front of him. "If you fucking poison me with this, you're paying for my funeral," he stated in a casual manner, which sounded slightly disturbing to Erwin.

He chuckled to himself. _Unordinary, for sure_. The woman – Hanji – rolled her eyes, jokingly, probably already used to the pianist's foul language. "Whatever you say, grumpy," she waved her hand dismissively and turned to Erwin, tilting her head to the side. She resembled a curious child, in Erwin's opinion. "Something I can get you, handsome?"

He gave her a tight-lipped smile, ears burning a little, and shook his head. "I'll just finish this, I think," he stated. "It's been a long night."

"Has it?" the ravenette echoed, pleasantly surprising Erwin. He thought the ravenette would tell him off or ignore him in general, but he guessed not. The pianist's scowl eased up a little as he sipped on his drink, whatever it was, and sighed in content. "And I'm here thinking you were hitting on me. What a way to let a man down."

Erwin laughed again, the sound naturally escaping his lips. He smiled at the pianist, glad he had decided to engage in a conversation, and turned his body so he was properly facing him. "I still have half a glass of whiskey," he remarked carefully, noticing the little smile which appeared on the other's face at his words. The blond had no idea what had gotten into him, but he extended his hand, encouraged. 

This couldn't hurt any more than what he had already endured in the past, he decided.

"I'm Erwin."

The pianist glanced at his palm swiftly, before he sighed and firmly clutched it in his. The touch was brief, and his skin was soothingly cold. Erwin didn't want him to let go. "Levi," he stated, looking into the blond's eyes sharply. "I hope you haven't wiped your ass with that hand."

Erwin's brain short-circuited in surprise, and he couldn't contain the shocked smile which took over his features. The boldness with which the man – Levi – just delivered his words was astonishing. "Don't worry," he laughed, embarrassed. "I wash my hands thoroughly."

"Good, we may interact then," Levi stated, and Erwin couldn't tell whether he was joking or not. Either way, he breathily chuckled. 

"You've got good taste in music," he remarked, earning a curious look from Levi.

"Oh?" he said. "Any experience with playing?" he looked impressed, and Erwin only shook his head with a smile. 

"I just can appreciate a nice melody," he stated, sipping from his half empty glass. He watched Levi nod his head a little in acknowledgement, his dark hair shining in the dim lights, before he spoke up again. "You play here every night?"

The other pursed his lips in thought, sighing. "Not every night," he said, tilting his head back as if he was trying to see the top shelf of alcohol above the bar. "But I'm here way more than I used to, lately," he scowled and took a sip of the colorful liquid again. Erwin imagined it tasted lemony, with a hint of the infamous alcohol bitterness. 

"Do you not want to be here?" he asked, genuinely interested. Levi seemed so immersed in his act it would have been hard to believe. But if it really was the truth, he would have liked to hear him perform somewhere he liked to do so. He was sure it would have been amazing.

Levi rotated his glass, the alcoholic contents soaking its edges. "I do," he grumbled. "But that's the fucking problem, isn't it? I'm the instigator of my own misery."

Erwin smiled sympathetically, choosing not to pry more. He was confused about what exactly the man was talking about, but oh God, he could empathize with his last statement quite well. "That's relatable," he said, chuckling. "But at least we don't blame it on others."

"Optimistic," Levi remarked, grimacing. Then, his eyes found Erwin's; something dark and mysterious flashing through them. The blond gulped. "What about you, big guy?" he asked, tilting his head. "What do _you_ blame yourself for?"

Erwin tried to dismiss the way his shoulders tensed and smiled sadly. "I guess I unintentionally ruin all the things important to me," he stated, clutching his left arm. He could feel the alcohol kicking in, making him more open and confident. He wondered whether the other could tell he was not exactly sober. 

Levi hummed, nodding his head in acknowledgement. "Seems like nobody here drinks just because it tastes good, huh," he mumbled, before his gaze hardened, and he sighed. "Hanji, give me another!"

"Coming right up!"

"Let me buy it for you," Erwin jumped in, fishing his wallet out clumsily and shoving the required amount of money towards the bartender. Levi raised his brow; a minimal change in his stoic expression, his gaze getting somewhat suspicious.

"Well, I'll be damned," he said. "If my presence gets other miserable existences come up to me and take part in getting me shit-faced, maybe I should drop the piano bullshit and be a fucking escort," he scoffed. "This place would _thrive_."

Erwin grimaced, watching the other man. The blond had no doubts that was true, for Levi was insanely attractive, but the idea was sort of unsettling. He straightened his shoulders. "I don't mean to intrude in your personal matters, for we've just met," he started gently. "But please, don't."

Levi returned his gaze, unfazed, and crossed his legs in one swift motion. "It would be beneficial for you too," he reminded. "You could tell your friends to fuck off, right away."

"I'd rather take all their petty talk than use anyone like that," he conveyed, eyebrows furrowing. "That would be immoral and wrong."

Levi chuckled, the little smirk sitting on his face seeming forced onto his sharp features. "That's some Goody two-shoes shit right there," he teased, and Erwin rolled his eyes in a friendly manner. Yes, maybe he was a bit old fashioned and uptight, but everyone had _something_. 

"I've got nothing to object," he smiled.

Levi's gaze was intense as he observed him, Erwin thought, but not quite enough to make him uncomfortable. It was inquiring, cautious and _sharp_. 

Erwin had always been told his own eyes were like the ocean – that one could drown in them. In the sea of raw emotion his blue irises mirrored. Many times, this _trait_ of his had betrayed him, but he doubted there was anything he could do about it. 

'The eye is the window to the soul', they said. Levi's weren't – or at least Erwin couldn't see it. 

His eyes were grey, like the thunderstorm sky, his glare possessing the power of a dagger made of cold steel; the same steel which seemed to be creating a barrier, a wall – an adamant shield, preventing Erwin from seeing beyond his stoic facade.

It was intriguing, a bit unnerving, but also _promising_. Levi seemed detached, objective. He was talking to him and did not seem displeased with Erwin's presence. 

Yet. _Oh, shut it._

"Dance with me," he blurted out before he could stop himself. It came spontaneously, and his voice was surprisingly steady. 

Levi abruptly teared his eyes away from him, focusing on the drink which Erwin had purchased. The latter silently waited for an answer, a light smile on his face, and the pianist clicked his tongue, expression conflicted. "Terrible idea," he grumbled after a second of silence. "I don't dance."

Erwin raised his brow, checking out Levi's elegant figure pointedly. And he was a musician, so he had to have an ear for rhythm. Erwin wasn't about to give up. "Never too late to learn," he teased, earning a reproachful glare. He laughed. "I'm sure you don't suck as much as you're trying to make me believe. But if I have to resort to cunningness – you owe me for that drink."

There was a glint in Levi's gaze, something playful – as if he had just accepted a challenge. Erwin smiled, feeling smug, and bit his cheek.

"Fine," Levi uttered, sliding off his stool. Erwin watched him walk towards the dance floor, and wondered how was he intending to move properly with a suit jacket on. As if on cue, Levi turned to look back at him, popping the button on his jacket open with a challenging smirk on his face. 

"Well? You plan on getting up, old wimp?"

 _Old wimp._ Erwin shook his head, grinning, and got to his feet. It was probably a good idea to watch his tongue around the black-haired male. "I might have exaggerated," he confessed as he neared the pianist, acting as casually as possible – as if he danced with attractive men in fancy bars on a daily basis. As if he could move properly no matter his own suit jacket. His heart nervously flipped in his chest, when Levi's palms found Erwin's upper arms and hastily tugged him closer. 

"I'm thirty-five," he finished, his neck slightly bent, so he could see Levi's face. He smiled – the man's height was strangely fitting for his fierce character. 

Levi raised his brow as he started moving them to the jazzy beat. " _Surely_ , you were exaggerating," he mocked, looking sideways. 

Erwin had to say his assumptions were correct – Levi's movements were tense, but not utterly inexperienced. Moreover, it gave him more confidence, since he had always considered himself a fine dancer. 

He placed his arm on Levi's back firmly, but courteously, and took the lead. Soon, they adjusted to the beat and moved in the little crowd of bodies without much effort. 

It felt nice, being this close to another person. Swaying to the rhythm of music, the tension was slowly leaving his shoulders. Erwin liked dancing, but he hadn't done it in a long time. He really hoped Mike and Nanaba were long gone, so they wouldn't get the chance to make fun of his seducing abilities, later on. 

"Already regretting your stupid decision, blondie?" 

He smiled down at Levi, jerking his brows. Did the musician's voice sound strained, or was it just Erwin's interpretation? 

"Never," he beamed. "I told you, it's not too late to learn. With me, no-one will even notice how much of a lump the pianist at Kenny's is." 

"Fucking peacock," Levi grumbled almost immediately, and an amused laugh found its way out of Erwin's throat. 

"I don't think a person who calls others 'old' should be using such terms, Levi," he remarked, shaking his head disappointedly. His companion only rolled his eyes with a snort and moved his palms on Erwin's wide shoulders. Their height difference was perfectly ideal for them to be dance partners, Erwin realized contentedly and gently pulled the man closer, his palm sliding to Levi's lower back.

Out of the blue, the ravenette's expression tightened, and Erwin was startled to see something which looked very much like pain in the stormy eyes of his. He loosened his grip around him immediately, and let Levi lead his arm higher, resting it between his shoulder blades again. "There," he said; a strange edge to his previously indifferent voice. 

Erwin nodded, smiling in an attempt of shooing the sudden uneasiness away. Whether was the pianist hurt or only uncomfortable, he didn't know. He would have liked to ask, but considering the fact Levi did not seem eager to explain, he had decided to mark the place sacred, for now.

"What does Mr. Cocky do for a living, then?" Levi spoke after a second, his steely gaze studying Erwin's face. He smiled, gladly participating in the new conversation. 

"I'm a private teacher," he stated, witnessing Levi's eyes widen for a slight moment, before he breathily chuckled.

"You're a teacher?" he laughed. "I knew there was something fucking wrong with the way you speak. Makes sense."

Erwin raised a brow. "The way I speak?"

Levi jerked his shoulders dismissively. "Don't act as if you haven't lectured me with proverbs just a second ago," he grumbled pointedly, and Erwin had to admit that he was correct.

"Alright," he conceded. "I might have let my teacher side take over for a bit."

The ravenette scoffed, connecting his hands behind Erwin's neck. The gesture didn't mean a thing, but the beat of Erwin's heart had still picked up. "Teachers are fucking _dangerous_ ," Levi said. "Manipulative snobs, most of them."

Erwin laughed again, the sound drowning in the loud music as he turned them around, completing a slow spin. Levi moved his head in a swift motion, and an alluring smell wafted through the air, reaching Erwin's nostrils. _Peppermint_. _His hair smells like peppermint._

For some reason, Erwin wasn't taken aback by that knowledge.

"You're not completely off on that one either," he smiled mischievously, securing his hold on Levi's back. "I persuaded you to come dance with me."

"Exactly what I mean," Levi grumbled. "You don't even _notice_ what they're doing. I pity the kids."

 _Pity. Pity. Pity. Pi–_ Erwin shrugged. "I don't. Getting proper education isn't something to get upset about," he stated, and saw the way Levi's lips twitched upwards.

"You're doing it again," he said. "Lecturing me," he added and Erwin paused. Damn it, had his job really influenced him this much? He broke into a laugh, and was startled to see Levi observe him with a full on smile of his own.

It was... beautiful. Levi was beautiful. 

And Erwin was probably drunk.

"Say, Levi," he started, voice raspy, their gazes locked, neither of them wanting to look away. "Would you like to go somewhere we can talk, without having to shout over the music?"

**Southside Rose, 11:49 a.m.**

_"Wine is the most healthful and most hygienic of beverages."_

_– Louis Pasteur_

"Wouldn't have guessed you for an art guy."

Erwin smiled, taking Levi's black coat off of his shoulders and placed it on a hanger beside the front door. He got himself out of his jacket, with a little bit of difficulty, and followed the ravenette inside the apartment. 

As it turned out, Erwin's place was much closer than Levi's, and so he offered the pianist to accompany him for another drink and a friendly conversation at his humble home. The apartment wasn't anything magnificent, but for a teacher's salary Erwin thought it was very nice. He was one for comfort and could be a little indolent, which had showed in the soft colors and his choices of furnishings. 

It was a pleasant change, after the noisy hours he had spent at Kenny's, and it seemed like Levi agreed with him, for the tiny smile had yet to disappear from his face. 

The pianist's earlier statement was referring to a big canvas, which hung above a grey sofa in Erwin's living room. It showed a watercolor painting of two doves; one blue and the other white. A few of their feathers were surrounding them, as if floating in the wind, slowly descending to the ground. 

It was a gift from a guy Erwin had always considered a friend but would have been hesitant to use the term in his presence. Keith Shadis had given it to him the day their roads divided forever, and while Erwin became free of one of his past struggles, Shadis stayed behind, weighed down by the blinding cruelty of life. 

Just as the older man made him promise, Erwin had not visited him since. Yet, the painting in his living room, which Shadis called 'The Wings of Freedom', was reminding him just how incredibly lucky Erwin was.

"And I wouldn't have guessed you were somebody to follow a stranger into their home," Erwin smiled at the ravenette, who just hummed in response, still studying the art piece.

"I told you," he said distractedly. "Your kind is persuasive."

Erwin rolled his eyes with an amused smile on his face. He was really starting to get fond of the impassive male's teasing. 

He sighed and walked into the small kitchen space which was situated in the left corner of the relatively spacious room. In fact, the only door in the whole apartment were the ones to the bathroom, the balcony, and the ones which led to his bedroom, because of... well. Reasons.

He glanced back at Levi, who stopped staring at his wall, and followed Erwin to the small, dark brown kitchen island. The latter smiled at the ravenette knowingly and put two glasses onto the wooden surface. 

Erwin wasn't certain whether he was right or not, but if he was to associate Levi with a kind of alcohol – which was not a colorful mix invented by his insane friend – he immediately thought of red wine.

Maybe he was being a bit cliché or old school, but what was so bad about it? He caught Levi's stormy gaze, and raised a bottle with a soft, hopeful smile. _Bogle Cabernet Sauvignon._ "Fancy a glass?"

Levi returned his look for a second, before he chuckled and rolled his eyes, nodding. "You really do want to get me drunk," he stated, dropping onto the seat behind the kitchen island, while Erwin poured out the dark red liquid. 

He laughed. "Not at all," he denied and put the bottle aside, before raising his glass. Levi followed suit, and the fragile material clinked, the sound resonating through the room. "I'm simply being a good host."

He decided to leave the part that he himself was already more than just tipsy, and therefore it really didn't matter if Levi had gotten plastered as well, out.

Erwin had also come to the conclusion that nobody could possibly look better drinking from a wine-glass than the enthralling raven-head in front of him. For some unexplainable reason, Erwin felt very out of place as he watched Levi's pale lips get stained with the crimson liquid and felt his cheeks heat up, choosing to subtly look away. 

Maybe it was because of the reality that Erwin had not been alone with somebody else than his friends in such a long time. _Darn it, what exactly was he doing here? What was he hoping to happen?_

He saw Levi raise his brow in his peripheral vision, and was glad the musician didn't comment on it any further. 

"It's good," Levi said instead, rotating his glass – which seemed to be a habit of his, Erwin noticed – and licked his lips. "Kenny isn't a big fan of it, but my mother..." he smiled slightly, pausing. "She was someone you could call a sommelier and not feel bad about it."

"Oh?" Erwin leaned his back onto the island, facing the sitting male, and hoped his sudden nerves will to go away. It was a bit peculiar, seeing Levi with such a reverie expression his face was showing at that moment. He didn't know why – maybe because he seemed so relaxed.

Erwin creased his brows a little then, gently nudging Levi's knee with his. His mother _was?_ The blond felt a wave of sympathy wash over his body, but said nothing concerning the topic. "Kenny as in the owner of the bar?" he asked, interested, but bit his tongue right after. His questions might have been off limits. Already, he felt as if they were crossing way too many boundaries in the matter of two hours.

Levi grimaced, but nodded nevertheless, siping his wine. "The bastard's my uncle."

"Bastard?" Erwin mused, scoffing kindly. Boundaries may have not been a thing anymore, he thought, considering the almost empty bottle of wine at his side. "Your dictionary doesn't cease to amaze me, Levi."

The ravenette clicked his tongue at that, shooting Erwin a glare. "I'll take that as a compliment," he grumbled, making the blond laugh once more. Levi set his glass on the island, running a hand through his parted hair. "And going awol out of fucking _nowhere,_ leaving his nephew to make sure his business doesn't go to shit sounds like a definition of a goddamn bastard to me."

At that, Erwin paused, frowning a little. "You don't know where he is?"

Levi pursed his lips. "He'll show up, eventually," he sighed, rubbing his face with his palm. Suddenly, he looked terribly tired to Erwin, and for a swift second he worried he had ruined the mood. "It's not like this is the first time it happened."

The taller nodded, deciding to change the seemingly heavy topic. Erwin wouldn't mind expanding the current conversation at all, but he knew he himself wouldn't have been comfortable talking about personal issues to somebody he had just met. 

So he smiled. "Does that mean _you_ are the owner – as for now?" he asked, wiggling his brows, which seemed to lighten the mood again, because Levi's eyes gained the funny glint they showed at the dance floor before.

"Don't do that," he shook his head. Erwin frowned, not sure what he meant, until... "Your eyebrows are fucking scary."

**Southside Rose, 12:48 a.m.**

_"Alcohol, taken in sufficient quantities, may produce all the effects of drunkenness."_

_– Oscar Wild_

Call Erwin a madman. Call Erwin a gambler. Or just call him a naive fool, because that was certainly how he felt.

He could already foretell the interrogation which was going to happen the next day, when Mike was going to call him and ask about his evening. He could foretell the familiar pain in his chest and the pressure behind his eyes, when he'll realize he had been right all along and listening to his best friend was stupid.

And yet, he kept telling himself, no – presumptions can be wrong. Mike could have had a point, and Erwin might not be making another mistake. 

He groaned quietly, turning off the stove. Erwin had concluded that drinking on an empty stomach the whole night couldn't be healthy, and insisted on making them a light meal. He prayed Levi was a fan of scrambled eggs, since it was the only food he could make from the contents of his fridge. 

He really needed to go shopping. 

Erwin set the two plates on the table – one by one – and poured them some water, trying to collect himself, while he waited for Levi to come back from the bathroom. His nerves were kicking in, as if his subconsciousness predicted something bad was to happen – because of course it was. 

He had gone without speaking of it for a bit too long now. If he was to ask Levi to meet with him again – which he wanted to, really wanted to, after talking to him for the past three hours – Erwin knew the male needed to know first. It would be unfair to keep it to himself any longer, even though it would have spared Erwin the heartbreak. 

_Heartbreak_. He scoffed. Yes, that. It didn't matter whether the person turning their back to him, or watching him with that pitying look in their eyes, as if he was incompetent – a nuisance – was close to him or not. 

Mostly, it was the other option anyway, since they would always run off before getting to know him properly. 

"Wow," Levi's voice came from in front of him, startling his thoughts. The shorter male was looking at the table, where sat two plates of steaming, yellow eggs with a toast on the side. He appeared pleasantly surprised. "I didn't know you were a fucking chef as well."

Erwin smiled, shaking his head. "It's nothing, really," he stated, moving to his chair. A dish towel slipped from his hand as he did so, and he bent down to pick it up, just as Levi was about to do the same. 

And oh, Levi was close to him again. _Peppermint_. Erwin took ahold of the cloth and straightened himself up rather quickly, but heir proximity caused Levi to bump his nose into his chest and frown. Erwin chuckled breathily at that, Levi looking away. However, none of them moved, the incredible nearness of their bodies making Erwin's heart beat in his ears. 

He could feel the slight warmth emitting from the ravenette's skin, and his stomach executed a flip. He heard Levi mutter something under his breath and frowned, confused. "Come again?" he breathed.

Levi looked up at him, his stormy gaze as steely as ever, as he observed Erwin's face wearing a stoic expression. "You weren't lying about washing yourself," he informed as if it was the most casual thing to say, and the blond could feel his ears burn, and a wide, understanding smile slowly spread across his features.

"Is that your way of telling me I smell nice?" he asked, his tone teasing, and causing Levi to avert his eyes.

"Don't get too cocky now," he uttered, but the slight smile on his face told Erwin all he needed to know. He felt lightheaded, and the world was spinning the tiniest bit, the sweet bitterness of alcohol burning his throat as he gulped. The pianist wasn't looking at him, so he brushed his nose over Levi's hair lightly and felt the latter shiver at the contact. Erwin closed his eyes, forgetting everything he was and weren't until this very moment. 

His knees were about to give out from under him, and he took a shuddering breath. His lips and tongue were itching with want, longing for something more.

Levi was here. Levi was enthrallingly unique and _nice_ in his own way. And Erwin thought they just... clicked. Oh they did, yes, they had to, for they were in his apartment, standing way too close to each other to be just random guys drinking together.

Erwin didn't want them to be.

"You smell very nice as well," he mumbled then, voice getting raspy. 

He heard Levi scoff again, just this time, it wasn't hostile nor angry at all. It was almost... nervous. "So what now?" he spoke, caustic. "Are we gonna sniff each other's asses like dogs and decide whether we like one another?"

A strange wave of confidence flooded Erwin's body at that, and he felt his back straighten. "I don't need to sniff your butt to know that I like you, Levi."

The way Levi's whole body jerked in surprise as a response to Erwin's flirty words would have been almost funny, if the blond wasn't so immersed in finding the musicians eyes with his own, and bent down a little so he could see him properly.

"Levi," he asked, voice deep, insistent, his blue eyes boring into the shorter ravenette in front of him. "Do you like me too?"

One thing Erwin didn't expect, was a pair of lips crashing into his own just seconds after the words left his mouth. For a short moment, it was as if he was floating. He felt Levi clutch the lapels of his suit jacket, and pull him even closer, his tongue slipping into Erwin's mouth without difficulty. 

And Erwin's hand went up and tangled its fingers in the pianist's short hair, soft – so soft to the touch – the peppermint scent invading his nostrils and numbing his senses. _What was this? This must have been a dream. A beautiful dream._

He groaned softly into Levi's mouth as the ravenette pulled away, breathing hard. His palms were still resting on Erwin's broad chest, which was rising up and down, furiously. "Either you're really fucking stupid," Levi breathed. "Or this was a good enough answer to you."

Erwin breathily chuckled, shocked – absolutely put out of countenance; when it all finally downed onto him.Fear grasped him in its clutches, and he faltered. _Oh God. Oh heavens, no. They shouldn't have kissed. They shouldn't have kissed yet, because Levi didn't know._

He gulped, pursing his lips as he took ahold of Levi's hand, pushing it away from his jacket. Levi moved away with a specific look on his face, yet at the same time something Erwin couldn't quite pinpoint. Confusion? Hurt? Anger? He was certain that whatever it was would turn into that last listed emotion very, very soon.

It wasn't Erwin's intention to hurt him, just as much as it wasn't his intention to hurt himself. Again. But he couldn't _think_ properly, the alcohol flooding his system, his mind hazy and suddenly very realistic. 

Nothing but the sound of them breathing was heard in the sudden silence. Scrambled eggs were getting cold on the table next to them, and Erwin blinked slowly, thinking of how one of those plates would come to waste. Darn it. _Darn it._

"I..." he spoke, but stopped the next second. He averted his gaze, looking sideways. There was no way he could look the ravenette into those grey eyes, and watch them turn pitying. Or cold. Betrayed. He wasn't sure which one was worse. He sighed again, still very aware of the very small gap between their bodies. "I'm not–"

"What?" Levi barked out of the blue, making Erwin flinch. He was frowning, but that impassive, stoic expression was slowly returning to his face. Erwin didn't want that – he didn't want Levi to turn into a stranger again. The ravenette clicked his tongue, stepping back. "Are you gonna tell me you're fucking married, now?"

"No!" Erwin exclaimed, not realizing how loudly he spoke. A part of him wanted to reach out and pull the glowering man back, feel his strong arms tug at his collar once more and kiss his thin lips, until he would be out of breath. But that would have been unfair to Levi. "I'm not married," he stated firmly, meeting the ravenette's stormy glare. 

"Then what is it?" 

"It's..." he sighed, angry at himself for not being able to just say it. What a coward he was. "Ah, fuck."

He didn't get the chance to see Levi's startled expression at hearing the blond use such a profanity, because he turned around, and walked to the kitchen counter to lean on it. He faced the pianist again, thoughts a bit more collected. 

"I really like you, Levi," he said and saw the latter nod, the scowl not leaving his face for a second. 

"Would you like to skip the foreplay and spit it out?" he growled, posture stoic. His proposal made Erwin smile a little, before he opened his mouth to finally speak the truth. 

But he didn't get the chance to do so. 

"Erwin!" Levi _shrieked_ ; a sound which the blond would have never expected to hear from him, as he dashed to his side, knocking down the bottle of red wine in his rush. It fell to the ground with a loud crack, staining Levi's ironed, white shirt. Erwin watched as the ravenette yanked his left arm off the counter, tugging him towards the sink. 

And _oh_. Erwin had placed his left palm on the very much heated stove he had made the scrambled eggs on. He quietly laughed to himself; the sound sad in his head. Well, wasn't that ironic? Fate had probably decided he was taking too much time. 

"Levi," he spoke softly, placing his other palm on the pianists hand, which held the limb under running water. "Levi, stop."

" _Stop?_ " the pianist hissed, and looked over his shoulder as if Erwin was the dumbest being he had ever seen. "You almost _laid_ on a burning fucking stove!" he barked into the blonde's face, his skin pale as paper. _Porcelain_. "This is going to _scar_ , Erwin, you need a doctor–"

"No," he cut him off calmly, the softness of his voice obviously surprising the other man. Levi gaped at him, probably wondering whether he had suffered a shock.

Erwin smiled assuringly and gently pushed Levi away from the sink and his allegedly injured arm. The pianist let him, confused, and stepped aside, his eyes following Erwin's every move. The latter sighed resignedly, exasperated. 

He was such a fool. Not only had he probably botched up his chance on getting with somebody, but now he had destroyed a valuable tool as well. Levi's words from earlier that evening resonated through his head: _"It's not like today can get any worse."_

Well, Erwin was quick to determine that it very much could. 

He appreciated Levi's silence as he laboriously got out of his suit jacket and then pulled his jumper over his head, the material ruffling his blond hair – leaving himself only in a white, shortsleeved T-shirt. Erwin felt the piercing gaze on his skin as if it was cutting into his flesh, crashing his bones and freezing his blood. 

He didn't look at Levi, when he carefully removed the prosthetic limb which substituted his left arm from shoulder down. Erwin guessed it was too dark in the bar to see, and Levi was way too shocked by the fact that Erwin had burned himself to realize, he wasn't holding a real forearm, but a poor substitution of it. _A_ s _lightly singed_ _substitution of it, as of now._

"How?" Levi's tone was firm, strict – demanding answers. Erwin chuckled; of course he was angry. He must have felt lied to. Deceived. Manipulated.

_'Your kind is persuasive.'_

_'Manipulative snobs, most of them.'_

But Erwin was angry as well. Furious – with himself, because it was _tiring_. Why did it have to end like this? Why couldn't he be normal; a _whole_ man? He would have been worthy of being with somebody like Levi, then. Somebody so utterly _perfect_ and... and deserving of something more than a cripple. 

But this was the same old story, and Erwin was starting to get weary of it.

"You can go, Levi," he said, keeping his voice void of any emotion. He had yet to look up at the ravenette, but he just couldn't bring himself to do it. "Don't feel obligated to stay." 

He wished for Mike and Nanaba to see this scene. He wished for them to understand what it was like – the embarrassment he had to endure every time something like this happened. Maybe then, they'd finally accept him as the old loner he had come to be, and let him spend the rest of his life teaching children about the world. 

Preparing them for the callous cruelty of it; of adulthood. For the day they would find out they were terminally ill, or wake up with a prosthetic limb substituting their arm. 

The utter silence which had taken over the apartment was eating him alive. He could have heard a pin drop, and when the tension got unbearable, almost corporeal–

"Are you _shitting_ me?"

Erwin's head snapped up, and his eyes immediately met the stormy grey ones, which glared at him from the other side of the room. Levi stood only a few steps away from the front door, he could just turn around and leave – and yet the man stood still. His voice held so much venom it made Erwin's heart beat faster. 

He breathed out. "I'm sorry. I should have told you before I dragged you all the way here, and..." he paused, gesturing to his missing limb. "Let you find out like this."

Levi didn't break his glare off for a millisecond, and Erwin saw his fists clench and unclench again, multiple times. For a moment, it looked like the pianist was going to walk towards him, but then he halted his movements. _What was he thinking?_ Did Levi want to beat Erwin into a pulp? 

The murderous expression he wore would have been quite fitting for that. 

"I'll pay for your taxi," he spoke up again, resigned, as he leaned against the back of the table and reached for a phone, desperately wanting to get more of a reaction from the other man. "I won't stop you from leaving."

As if on cue, Levi's scowl deepened. "I can't–" he hissed, jaw clenching. "I can't fucking believe you, Erwin."

A sting. Erwin gulped, halting his movements, and curled his fingers into a fist by his side. "I apologize for leading you on like that," he said firmly, shaking his head. 

"Save the bullshit," Levi spat, cutting him off. He took a few steps forwards. "You weren't leading me on, that was fucking genuine. Don't make a damn fool out of me, Erwin, I don't like it." 

Erwin couldn't help it; his head tilted to the side, brows slightly furrowing. His heart was ramming against his rib cartilage, and he had no idea what to do. He had never been confronted like this. By now, everyone was always out of the door. "You don't have to talk about it to make me feel better," he assured, watching Levi's features turn frighteningly still. _What are you doing, Erwin?_ "Just leave."

What was he doing? Erwin had no idea what was going on in his head, but he had come to realize that he was frightened. Genuinely frightened, _terrified_ even. But why? _Why?_

"Leave," Levi echoed, his voice calm – dangerously calm as if he couldn't believe the words coming out of Erwin's mouth. His steely eyes were like a thunderstorm; the emotion swirling inside his grey orbs like a raging hurricane, a frenzied tempest, making Levi's whole body _shake_. Erwin's breath hitched as his eyes widened in surprise. 

"After all the talk about how you like me, all the fucking teasing, you want me to piss off because _what?_ Suddenlyyou're... _self-conscious_?" he spat the word out like an insult, taking a step forward, and Erwin has had enough. Fear, anger and alcohol had taken over his mind, and his composure crumbled. 

"Yes!" he retorted, standing up. He towered over Levi, his blue gaze _burning_ , making the other look even smaller – but the ravenette didn't step back, didn't look away, and didn't stop trembling. "Yes, I am! I only have a _stump_ left of my left arm, Levi!" he shouted, breathing hard, frustrated tears threatening to well up in his eyes. 

"And you expect me to give a fuck?!" Levi yelled back, his pupils big, irises like cold fire. "To just let you kick me out as if nothing happened between us?!"

Erwin gulped as he faced the other's piercing glare, touching his left shoulder, squeezing it. "I'm not a proper man, and that's not for you," he growled, words slurring a little. "It's not– not for anyone! Nobody wants that, to bring a nuisance into their lives. Nobody wants to have to deal with an _invalid,"_ he spat, shaking his head."You don't need to be embarrassed because of someone who's supposed to be your equal, but isn't."

Something changed in Levi's steely glare. As if the supposedly adamant shield cracked only the tiniest bit, and he took a sharp breath, raising his head. "Do you really think that little of me?" he asked, his voice low and quiet, almost hissing. 

Erwin faltered, but didn't try to restrain the annoyed sigh which escaped his lips. "You don't understand," he mumbled, running his palm through his blond locks, the stump left of his other arm as if silently mocking him with its very existence. "I'm so selfish. I'm so damn selfish, it's making me sick, but I wanted... I wanted–" he cut himself of, biting his lip. What did he want?

He sighed, turning around and them back again. 

He regretted snapping like that. Normally, he _would't_ _have_ snapped like that. It must have been the alcohol. Fucking alcohol. He glanced down at Levi, frowning a little. "I'm sorry, Levi," he rasped. "That wasn't fair to you."

The shorter man's gaze was fixed somewhere on Erwin's heaving chest, almost completely unblinking. Erwin wanted to say something else, thinking the other did not hear him, when finally, Levi spoke. "So you're ashamed," he stated, eyes flicking to the blond's face. Nothing, but a puff of breath left Erwin's mouth in response. 

Yes. Yes, he realized – the fear, the freezing clutches of it; that was shame. That was embarrassment. 

Levi frowned. "And you think I'm an ignorant bitch who only cares about image."

Erwin grimaced in remorse. He didn't mean that. "Levi–"

"Shut up," the ravenette shook his head, his glare piercing through Erwin's very soul. He shuddered but reluctantly complied. The ravenette's jaw was clenched, and Erwin saw his body shake in anger. Was it anger? An emotion so strong it got his short form quivering from head to toe, as if he was freezing cold, as if his muscles were so strained it was impossible to keep them still?

He waited for the moment when Levi would turn around and slam the door shut behind him. He waited for the moment of suffocating silence, the furious beat of his own heart, before Levi would disappear from his life forever.

But the ravenette did not tear his intense glare away. Their gazes locked for short seconds which felt like an eternity to Erwin – the clock on his kitchen wall ticking in a steady rhythm, creating an eerie atmosphere, which caused shivers run up his spine. 

And then Levi moved. 

Erwin's heart skipped a beat when the man slipped out of his suit jacket without a sound, and his long, pale fingers started unbuttoning his white shirt; the crimson stain on his stomach like a bleeding wound. Erwin stepped forward, reaching out. _Stop_. "What are you–"

"I said shut up."

The ruined shirt fell from his shoulders in one swift motion, and Erwin felt the world stop spinning. 

**Southside Rose, 1:34 a.m.**

****_"The world is merciless, and it's also very beautiful."_

_– Hajime Isayama_

Erwin remembered the time his father had taken him to a museum, when he was a child. He remembered the spacious rooms with hundreds of expositions and transparent, sparkling vitrines. A particular one came to his mind at that moment – one which secured an old porcelain tea set, form about two centuries ago. Most importantly, he remembered the bowl which had stood right next to it; its beautiful, stone-cold but crackedwhitetexture. 

Erwin felt as if he had traveled back in time, suffered all the incredible pain once again, and was a little boy looking at those porcelain dishes, rather than at Levi's naked torso, his chest, shoulders, defined arms, his stomach...

Because the scars. Scars scattered all over his pale body, which had been hidden from sight until now. White and reddened lines – not clean but _ragged_ , as if the skin had been teared open with a blunt blade – and spots which looked like something had burned right through Levi's white complexion, melting it, leaving it aggrieved and damaged forever. 

Erwin felt his throat dry, and his mouth open and close in shock, not knowing how to react. Levi stood right in front of him, in an arm's reach; stoic, only his chest rising up and down with uneven breaths. 

This couldn't have been Levi – the serious pianist with a dictionary no street thug would be ashamed of; the collected man who's mother loved wine and who's conscience didn't let him leave his uncle's bar perish without the owner present. 

The man who enthralled Erwin with everything he did. The man who's cold lips were passionately kissing Erwin's just a few minutes ago.

Except that it was. And Erwin was an idiot to think differently. He was a hypocritical fool and a coward at that. 

"Levi," he started again, confused, as he took a deep breath. He blinked, the image – the white scratches and faded scars – burnt onto is eyelids like a brand. "I... what–"

"I guess you didn't expect this either, huh?" the ravenette frowned, voice breathy, but the intense eye contact did not falter at all. 

Erwin gulped, shaking his head slowly. "No," he conceded quietly, forcing his eyes not to flick back to the man's revealed skin. He didn't want to look. He wasn't authorized to look. He didn't deserve to look.

"Levi, I didn't..." his voice cracking, he could not continue. So he cleared his throat, feeling the persistent grey stare oh his skin. "I–"

"You're absolutely speechless, aren't you?" Levi cut him off, his eyes studying his tense posture with a solemn frown. Erwin said nothing, and he scoffed. "You've never even – and correct me if I'm wrong – you've never even considered that you're not the only crippled person with a secret in this fucking world, have you?"

"Of course I have," Erwin whispered, his chest constricting in remorse. "I just didn't... I didn't expect it to be you," he admitted, his embarrassment reaching cosmic measures. Self-pity. Self-pity made him say those things; things so insensitive, so utterly disgusting – now, that he had known Levi wasn't just an intriguing pianist with a peaceful life.

_'Seems like nobody's here to drink just because it tastes good.'_

A naive fool. A perfunctory idiot. A colossal asshole.

_'I unintentionally ruin all the things important to me.'_

"I'll get you something clean to wear," he forced out, his blue eyes flicking to the ravenette's naked torso and the wine stained shirt. He faltered, before turning to his bedroom door, throat tightening. "That is, if you choose to stay."

Levi stood still. "If I wanted to leave I would have been out the door the first time you told me to go," he stated harshly, a visible shiver running through his body. He sighed. "Fucking wine, makes me strip in front of a damn stranger just to prove a point," he mumbled then, and Erwin smiled faintly to himself, for he thought that last sentence wasn't meant for him to hear.

"I'll be right back," he assured, seeing the ravenette curtly nod, before he disappeared into his bedroom.

 _Solitude_.

Erwin shook his head, as he opened a drawer, mindlessly wondering what would Levi like to wear. Solitude. Why did that word come to his mind the moment he stepped foot into the room? 

White walls, a bed for two in the middle of the square-shaped space, but only one side occupied every night. A monumental window above its head, curtains drawn, leaving only a little gap in between, through which he could see the blueish darkness outside. Quiet. The wailing of wind in the distance.

Sighing, he grabbed a random sweater and closed the drawer shut. _Solitude_. Yes, quite fitting, after all. And yet, he smiled a little as his gaze fell on the top of said drawer and therefore the picture frames, which Mike had placed there a little while ago.

Erwin thought his heart had stopped, when he returned to the living room, but didn't see Levi standing where he had left him. _He's gone,_ he thought. His hand, clutching the sweater he wanted Levi to borrow, slowly lowered, and the grip of his fingers weakened. 

But then a waft of wind caressed his warm cheeks, and he let out a puff of breath, when he realized the door to the balcony was opened. 

As Erwin got closer to the transparent window, his breath hitched because of the sight he was met with. There stood Levi, his back facing him, arms rested on the balcony railing as he gazed upwards to the angry night sky which hovered above the quiet city like a heavy curtain. 

His shoulders were hunched a little, and the muscles under his scarred skin flexed due to even the smallest of movements. The moon had come out of the grey clouds, and its light danced on Levi's pale complexion, the healed gashes throwing slight shadows, making it easier for Erwin to see. 

He gulped, taking notice of the huge burn scar on Levi's lower back, and his mind immediately went back to the dance floor at Kenny's, when he had placed his palm on it. The reaction the ravenette had to the contact – the slightest of touches, since Erwin had not been anything but gentle. _Was he still in pain? Was that scar fresher than the others? How did he get hurt this bad?_

Erwin didn't know. Erwin didn't know whether he wanted to know. 

"If you'd stop staring like an old creep, I'd feel blissful," Levi remarked, not sparring the taller blond a single glance, his stoic posture unchanging. 

Erwin blinked and cleared his throat. "Sorry," he mumbled, finally crossing the small distance between them, and felt the cold night air gently ruffle his hair. _Soothing_. "Here," he said then, handing the pianist standing on his right the sweater he had brought. He smiled a little, hesitant. "You must be freezing."

Levi swiftly glanced at him, before he nodded and pulled the piece of clothing over his head. It was big on him, just as Erwin had suspected, but it wasn't too bad. The sleeves fell over his palms, which Levi was quick to fix, rolling them up to his wrists. 

_Green suits him._

Erwin breathed in rather sharply and averted his gaze. Truly, tonight's events had been very much unexpected. Having an attractive stranger, which he had met in a _bar_ , stand on his balcony wearing his jumper, was something Erwin did not think was possible. 

He internally shook his head and frowned. _But it was Levi. Levi did not feel like a stranger to Erwin. Not anymore._

He remembered his soft, firm lips on his own and bit his tongue, heart clenching. Was it his turn to speak now? 

"I hope your story contains a pissed off shark, at least," Levi grumbled, breaking the silence which fell over the two of them. Erwin gifted him an amused side look as he leaned onto the railing as well. Levi shrugged curtly. "Would have been fitting for all the drama back there."

Erwin pursed his lips. "You didn't think teachers were dramatic?" he asked, his tone light-hearted, even though he was biting his nails on the inside.

Levi scoffed at that, slowly shaking his head. A part of Erwin hoped the man was going to say something else – something that would putt off the moment he was to speak the truth. He wanted to do it nevertheless, so why was he so nervous about it? Levi had made it pretty clear that he was not a judging person. 

But he had also obviously been through a lot. Was Erwin worried that he was going to tell him to man up and stop weeping about something so commonly tragic? Call him a weakling? Call him avaricious, because he did not value his bittersweet end enough?

"It's not all that interesting, I'm afraid," he spoke into the night, the moon ablaze, mutely witnessing the bonding moment between them. Erwin sighed, gulping. He couldn't feel the ravenette's sharp gaze on his skin, and therefore concluded the latter wasn't watching him. Maybe that was what had finally given him the courage to say his next words. 

"I'm a cancer survivor."

**Southside Rose, 2:00 a.m.**

_"It's so hard to forget pain, but it's even harder to remember sweetness. We have no scar to show for happiness. We learn so little from peace."_

_– Chuck Palahniuk_

There were moments in peoples' lives, which had the ability to turn everything one was familiar with upside down. 

Erwin had to say such moments were not exactly the happy kind of the said phenomenon, in his case. Ever since a very young age, his father had trouble keeping him healthy. The doctors said it had something to do with his unusually weak immune system, but there was just very little they could do about it. 

Erwin was five years old, when he had been introduced to the term every human dreaded to hear coming out of their doctor's mouth. He was six, when he had undergone a surgery in which they successfully removed the tumor on his hipbone. Erwin remembered that first cheery celebration of him being cancer-free. His father's bright smile and laughter, as he carried him around the house like a prince. 

And then his pale complexion and his glistening eyes, when it came back two years later –stronger than ever. 

When Erwin came to know this time it was his back that was sick, he thought he was going to die. And more than anything, he remembered being sad because of how little he had seen. How little he had known, experienced, learned...

He remembered the tremendous waves of nausea, which washed over his little body just hours after his nurses pulled out the needles from his arms. He remembered crying from the pain at night and his father's beard tingling his face as he pulled him to his side. Dark hours spent cuddling, comforting each other, silently preparing for the worst.

And then the treatments started working, and celebrations came once more.

Twenty-two years went by, and it had not returned. His relatives called it a miracle and Erwin thought that yes, it was. He had been able to finish his university degree without much complications. Had been able to find his first work place, and then finally pursue the career of a private teacher, which he oh so longed for. 

Yet, his life wasn't carefree and happy even then. Acting form experience, Erwin focused on his studies a little too much, determined not to waste any time he could spend educating himself – afraid that the sickness was going to come back.

That meant having no relationships whatsoever, in the spun of his high school years. If Mike had not stayed by his side, Erwin would have ended up completely alone. Before, he thought it was a good decision, that he had been living his life to the fullest – sucking out everything it had to offer. But now, at thirty-five years old, he saw how utterly stupid that was. How much time had he wasted.

He remembered having that crucial fight with his father. It was painfully similar to the outburst he had earlier that night with Levi, actually. His dad wanted him to enjoy life more, to not be tied down by his past struggles. He remembered the exact words which got him worked up, and resulted in the biggest mistake Erwin had ever made. 

_'You take life for granted,'_ his father had said. Erwin was furious. After everything he had been through, he thought, everything he had endured – _because_ of life – his _parent_ was telling him that? 

And so he left his father's apartment in a hurry, accompanied by a series of angry profanities leaving his mouth. 

When he had gotten a call, the next morning, the operative stating his father's apartment had been broken into, and the man was killed in the process, Erwin's world had crumbled into pieces once more. 

The guilt he felt was crushing. The thoughts of remorse and eviscerating grief hunted him tirelessly. And rightfully so – it _was_ his fault. It was. It had to be. If he had stayed there, if he had been there, then maybe... maybe his father would have lived.

His days got darker again. 

And when he was twenty-nine, just weeks before his birthday came, he heard those familiar words slip past his doctor's lips again. 

"It wasn't too bad," he said, glancing to the side, where Levi watched him, quietly listening to his words. He breathed in, the cold night air soothing his burning throat. "But I had to give up my arm, and chemotherapy is never fun," he grimaced at the ravenette.

Levi's eyes were glimmering in the soft moonlight, appearing like molten mercury. If Erwin wasn't immersed in the past, his breath would have hitched because of the enthralling beauty in front of him. 

"How long is it?" Levi spoke for the first time since the blond had started talking. His tone wasn't holding its signature sharpness, but sounded softer than ever – empathetic, pleasant to Erwin's ears. "Since your last treatment."

"Four years," he answered, a faint smile coloring his features. He nudged Levi's leg with his foot gently, making the shorter raise a brow. "But I'll have you know," he stated then, blue gaze shimmering. "I was this hot even when bold."

The little amused smile, which grew on the ravenette's lips impossibly fast caught Erwin off guard, and the fluttering feelings in his stomach increased. Levi nodded, seemingly ruminating over something, as his eyes roamed the taller blond's face curiously. "So those eyebrows weren't parasitizing your face before?"

Erwin rolled his eyes, acting offended, before a comfortable silence fell over them. It was strange, telling somebody the whole story. Yet, he felt lighter as if an invisible burden got lifted off his shoulders.

"Ever since then," he started again, sighing. "I had trouble coping with... everything, really," he said. "The initial frustration is gone, but sometimes it gets a little too much. Things are more complicated and being alone isn't... it doesn't help. My last relationship ended terribly, just two years ago, and I stopped trying to find somebody who isn't a–"

"An ignorant bitch," Levi cut him off, finishing his sentence – using a bit of a harsher term than Erwin had had in mind. He smiled down at him, nodding. 

"Yes, that... is a way to put it," he agreed and closed his eyes, letting the air caress his cheeks. "I'm just scared of judgement, I think," he added. "Everyone is, I know, but... people tend to voice my self-degrading thoughts a little too well, and that's not something I'd like to hear every day. That's why I sent you away."

Levi hummed quietly into the night. "Assuming shit won't get you anywhere," he scowled, voice suddenly sharp and strict. "Backing out like a fucking coward every time isn't a way to live, Erwin."

The latter pursed his lips a little. "You're speaking to a coward, then," he smiled sadly, looking down. "But I didn't mean to offend you. I only wanted to save you the trouble."

Levi scoffed, his grip on the metal railing tightening for a split second. "What trouble?" he clicked his tongue. "You, not being able to hold two glasses at once? To happily dance the Macarena?"

Erwin laughed softly, before looking at the pianist next to him. "More like being an incompetent old wimp, who can't even hold you properly."

At that, Levi's brows went up. "Oh, like hell you can't," he stated. "Have you seen yourself? One arm would be enough for you to _crush_ me."

Another wave of bubbly laughter. "That's not incorrect," he beamed, his forefinger briefly caressing Levi's palm. "But I don't think I'm the one with an abnormal height here."

Levi immediately scowled, averting his gaze. "Shut up, you fucking Titan."

Erwin laughed again, but complied. 

"Say, Erwin," the pianist spoke up again, after a little while. His tone was solemn once again. "How much do you think we drank tonight?"

Erwin sighed with a soft snort. "I would't dare guess. A lot," he smiled shakily, watching Levi nod with a deep hum.

"Five years ago," he started, and Erwin's whole body tensed. Levi wasn't looking at him as he spoke, his expression strained as if his muscles tightened to keep him steady. He ran a hand through his parted hair. "Five years ago, we – my two friends, my mother and I – we were going back home from a restaurant in Maria. It was Isabel's birthday, she..." he frowned, not finishing his thought. 

Erwin waited in silence for the latter to continue. Something in him felt eerie, yet unexplainably content as if the invisible barriers between the two of them were slowly disappearing. 

"We got into an accident," Levi said bitterly. "I was driving. It– I didn't notice a fucking deer in the middle of the road, until it was too late. Who knows where the damn animal came from, but it's dead now. The car went into a skid and crashed right into a truck driving in the other direction," he grimaced, his eyes finding Erwin's blue orbs.

The blond returned his look as firmly as he could, when Levi smirked. "Alcohol transporting," he shook his head, scoffing. "What are the odds. I'm sure the explosion looked fucking magnificent from afar."

Erwin breathed in sharply, imagining the incredible pain Levi must have gone through. His chest involuntarily tightened as he awaited the ravenette's next words. The latter's Adam's apple moved, giving Erwin the impression of held back tears. 

"Being one of the two only survivors of a tragedy you caused doesn't leave you feeling all lucky and unscarred," he stated, voice shaking a little. Erwin had to agree. _One of the two only survivors._

_"My mother was someone you could call a sommelier."_

It was as if Levi saw the question in Erwin's eyes, as his scowl deepened and shoulders slumped. "She's in a coma ever since then," he grumbled, his eyes closing for a brief moment. "They're taking her off life support next week."

Erwin internally hissed. If his own life had crumbled down those years ago, when his father was murdered, and he was diagnosed with cancer once again, Levi was going through his world collapsing on him, right now. 

Erwin tried to imagine his father lying on a hospital bed for five long years, and himself still hoping that maybe one day – one day he will wake up again. But he never will. The blond felt tears blurring his vision, and had to blink a few times. False hopes break hearts, he knew.

"And your uncle?" he asked carefully, watching the other sigh. 

"Kenny couldn't stand living next to somebody who killed his sister and decided to take off, I suppose," Levi shrugged. Erwin frowned at the man's choice of words, and hesitantly reached out to place his palm on Levi's. The pianist stiffened, but did not pull away. 

"You didn't kill her, Levi," he said quietly but firmly, watching the other's averted eyes through the veil of midnight colored hair, which fell into his forehead.

Levi licked his lips. "Just as much as you didn't kill your father," he remarked, and Erwin opened his mouth to protest, to say that no, it was not the same, but found himself hesitating. 

Before he could collect his thoughts, Levi's palm enveloped his and suddenly, their faces were impossibly close; so close he could count the lashes on the man's eyelids. "You said I didn't understand," he stated, making Erwin nod in remorse. Levi's eyes flashed silver. 

"You're partially right. I can never fully understand what it's like being terminally ill. I can never understand what it's like – having a stump left of my arm, but fuck, Erwin – I know the shame," his fingers clenched around the bigger blond's palm, neither of them breaking off the intense eye contact. 

Their faces illuminated by the moonlight were like marble, and Levi's black hair as if out of this world, so unreal and yet so close – Erwin got lost in his eyes, completely unable to look away. 

"I know the embarrassment, the guilt, the self-degrading thoughts, which don't let you fucking sleep. And the people, the nosy fucking people watching you; _children_ wondering whether you're some kind of a hero, who put his life on the line to save the world, when you're really just an ordinary person, who's life is irretrievably fucked up," Levi went on, his voice unsteady, the grip on Erwin's palm strong, unwavering.

Erwin squeezed back, holding onto his words, hoping his hold provided at least a little bit of comfort – he did not know whether for Levi or himself.

"I _know_ ," Levi rasped once more. "I know how fucking hard it gets, no matter how many people tell you that you shouldn't feel that way. But Erwin, they're right."

The blond felt his back straighten and his body tense. 

"You shouldn't be ashamed of how you look," Levi continued. "Yes, we have scars, but everyone fucking does; and it doesn't matter how big or small they are, because they're _ours_ ," he pointed his finger on Erwin's chest, breathing out. "They shaped you to who you are today. It reminds you of a bad time in your life, I understand. And sometimes it still hurts – mine do, it hurts every fucking time I touch them," he stated, steely eyes sharp. _Not physically,_ Erwin understood. It hurts because it's a reminder. A reminder of a life he didn't have anymore.

"But that's not all, is it?" Levi asked. "Erwin, you beat cancer – a disease which kills hundreds of people every year – _more_ than just once," Levi continued, his tone vigorous, urging. "Why? Because of how _strong_ you are. The pain is fucking terrible, and it rips you apart, but it's temporary, and we endured it. We survived, Erwin. We survived, and it took a hell of a toll on our bodies – yet, we're still here."

Erwin breathed out heavily, his heart beating fast, faster, faster. Levi shook his head, hand reaching for Erwin's shoulder. 

"You can't carry on leading such a damn sad life," he continued quietly, for the nonexistent distance between them did not call for loud speech. Erwin gulped, his arm raising and resting on Levi's waist. Gazes locked, he could see his own reflection in the pianist's steely orbs. 

"I don't..." Erwin whispered, his voice failing him. He coughed, licking his lips. "I don't know how to stop. It's not something I've picked up just lately, Levi. I've been like this since... forever."

Cold hands on Erwin's warm cheeks. "Well, for starters," Levi said. "Don't kick me out of your apartment, asshole."

Erwin chuckled – but it was breathy, the retained tears burning his throat like live coals. "I wouldn't. Not anymore, I... I'm sor–"

"I swear to everything holy," Levi cut him off, voice sharp but quiet. "If I hear yet another apology from you tonight, I'm gonna gut you," he scowled again, and Erwin gulped. It didn't matter how short the pianist was – he was intimidating nevertheless. 

"Stop beating yourself up for the way you are. Stop making yourself seem fucking inferior, just because you lack confidence. And goddamn, stop thinking of how _unfair_ it is for others to be with you – you don't decide what they fucking want," Levi growled, his voice gradually getting more and more vehement. "Decide for your-fucking-self. Say what _you_ really want and don't back out every time it stops being easy."

Erwin felt unfamiliar warmth spread through his chest, because Levi's palms were squeezing his shoulders now, and his words were like a life jacket bringing him up to the surface from where he was suffocating, drowning deep in the water, for way too long. "Levi–" he rasped, but the ravenette did not let him speak. 

"No, Erwin," he tightened his grip on the bigger man's shoulders, and searched for _something_ – Erwin didn't know what it was – in his wide, blue orbs. The blond shivered. "Stop being so fucking _self-less_ , and tell me what you want from me."

And maybe it was the deep night, the serene darkness surrounding them, wind wailing in the distance, cold stealing their body warmth away, or the presence of a person who made Erwin feel so utterly safe and understood, which made him say his next words out loud.

"You," Erwin rasped, tears welling up in his eyes as if water springs had suddenly replaced his tear ducts, making his vision blurry and his pupils glisten. He stood straighter, pushing his face closer to Levi's, their noses brushing and breaths combining. "I want you," he whispered, and this time, he had expected the fierce pair of lips colliding with his own. 

_Peppermint. Peppermint and wine._ _Peppermint, wine and Levi._ Levi, holding his face between his palms, Levi kissing him so softly, yet with an urgency, with emotion – all so unfamiliar to the blond. Erwin's hand on Levi's neck, his head, his midnight hair, gently holing it in his large palm. And the pianist, taking a step forwards, enveloping him in his arms, wrapping them around his shoulders and pulling them even closer to one another. 

Their chests touching, Levi's body heat making Erwin's skin tingle, and the pianist's long fingers tangling in the locks on the back of his head. Moving his arm to Levi's shoulder blades, he squeezed him in something resembling a desperate embrace, their messy kiss salty with Erwin's tears.

His breath hitched in his throat, a silent moan threatening to escape his mouth as Levi stumbled, and Erwin had to take a step back under the weight of the ravenette's body on his.

"Don't you dare push me away again," Levi mumbled into his lips, clasping the fabric of Erwin's shirt, their chests furiously rising up and down, both of them gasping for breath. 

Erwin's one and only arm tightened its grip on the shorter male, his thought vague, yet so concrete it was hard to understand. "I won't," he promised firmly – and he meant it. 

He won't back out. Not for Levi, not for his dad, not for Mike; but for himself. 

Life was unfair. But Erwin was going to push through it and won't hold back, until the very last breath will leave his mouth, and his heart will stop beating, once and for all. 

_'We survived, Erwin.'_

_'The pain is fucking terrible, but we endure it. We're still here.'_

_'Decide for your-fucking-self.'_

And there, on a cold balcony, enveloped in darkness and overcome by emotion, he had decided.

Erwin Smith was not going to just survive. He was going to live. 

. **.**.

_"Even in moments of the deepest despair... I guess we can still find hope, huh?"_

_– Hajime Isayama_


End file.
